sexta-feira, maio 02, 2008

"And as your last breath begins you find your demons’ your best friend. And we all get it in the end."

I was trying to understand why i've always felt like shit about many things i do and it just came suddenly with no particular efforts from my inner strenght. It's not about other people. It's about me.
Of course i've always known that but the fact is that i never actually believed in it. I blamed everybody else from my pain. I forgot they're not in me. I forgot they just influenced me on several ocasions and got stuck on that part of my unstable emotions. It's not about who i love or not. It's not about who ever tried to prove me i was strong or whatever they insisted on, even when they knew i was falling apart. It's not about people who loved me and those who still do. It's not about who i have hurt and how i feel about what i have done or have been doing all this time. It's about me. It's about the real importance of what i need or what i know it's true in me. It's about what makes me who i am. It's not about what others may think that should be important enough to make me who i am. It's about what's under my skin, all i can't and i don't want to control. My need to cry. The reason why i ask so many questions to myself and don't get any answer.
I realized i always thought i was only looking at myself trough the mirror. Instead, i was watching everyone else but me, hidding my fears in this box. It has been locked for so long that it's hard for anyone to open it, even me. But i opened it.
I was talking about my actions and i faced a disturbing role. Something i would easily name as pathological pattern, as if i would know.... This has been my behaviour for so long that i got trapped in my own mind, so deep in shits about my feelings and what other people did to me that i forgot i kept on going to the same places over again.
I saw myself under the tree. I felt connected as if i was talking to myself, as if i was letting so many things go. As if i was struggling against what's not right and has to be fixed. As if i had the strenght, in that moment, to put on my backpack and hitchhicke, to control my life, at last.
This was very revealing to me. Even though i know i've changed trough the years. Even though i know i can be cold enough to break somebody's heart.
I was looking at my wounds and just knew this is not about anybody but me.
I was talking about myself and felt so free.

1 comentário:

Grekh disse...

Wow! I really liked this, I kind of feel related to you somehow. It's nice to know that we're not alone.